Lost Then Gone (Part 2)

 Ricardo

Ricardo about 1993

Ricardo about 1993

Ricardo about 1993

Lost Then Gone is the way I perceive Ricardo's departure. He had been lost to me, lost to himself - just completely lost for a while and it got worse and worse until he finally had to exit completely. In the first part of writing this I lost hours worth of writing in which I continued on with his life's timeline, including partners he had been with, the break ups, the troubles, the triumphs. I honestly don't have the energy to try and retrieve it all - what I wrote previously and lost does not need to be put out there I guess.

Tate (former partner and current friend) and Ricardo 2000?)

Ricardo helping set up my wedding 2000 photo by Krista Kay Wheeler

I miss Ricardo but I have been missing him for quite a while. The last few years were difficult and the last 7 months were a trial. He was very sick, much sicker than he let on to some people and for those of us who did know, we could not save him. The roots of his illness go way back. I have seen evidence of it off and on throughout the years.  He was haunted by his father's lobotomy and he was also fearful of his mother's Alzheimer's disease. Ricardo was very worried when he would get forgetful. I'd been thinking yesterday that I really needed to focus on how much Ricardo gave me while he was here instead of lamenting how sad and difficult the last 7 months have been. His high school friend Julia called me and helped me put some of these jumbled thoughts and feelings into perspective. In retrospect it is pretty remarkable that Ricardo was able to make the positive impact he made on so many people given what he was up against. He could burn so bright and cast his light in such wonderful ways. He was a worker and a helper, he was a musician and a gardener, he was a healer and he was a big ham - he loved to express himself visually and vocally. But along with all his beauty and his big ,tender heart, he was carrying the burden of his sickness. Every now and then it would cycle back and flare up. In the last few years it was more obviously present. And in the last 7 months he struggled so much- and I think the struggle was two fold : trying to get better and trying to depart. This is so hard to write because I miss him and I wish he was still here - but I wish he was still here and 'well'. I would not want his soul to continue suffering as it was all year. Ricardo was determined to go, and as much as I believe that with better treatment he could have continued his life in a positive way, no one could control the outcome but him. Julia said some things to me that really made sense. She said she felt like " Ricardo had trouble negotiating his freedom". This rings true. While he was here he was always bumping up against it, alternately being reckless and reigning himself in. But on Monday, October 10th, 2011 he freed himself from the struggle.
I don't know that I believe in an afterlife. I am a pretty pragmatic person. But I do know that Ricardo lives in me, so while I am here, he has an after life of a sort, and everyone of us that knew and loved him are continuing him. I think it is important to succumb to the feeling of loss for a time so that we can move through it, but eventually I want to feel how much I gained by having Ricardo in my life and keeping him in my heart.

Me, Susan, Ricardo,Meredith and Kitty, my wedding, July 29th, 2000. Photo by Krista Kay Wheeler

If you or anyone you know is suffering from mental health issues please get help.

Remembrances or donations can be made in Richard's name

(Richard "Ricardo" Ludt)  to Q Center (www.pdxqcenter.org) or The Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org).